Why we need to stand by each other in these ‘times we are in’
by Steve Ray
We are living at a time where the rush to judge, cancel and isolate each other is being supercharged through the algorithms of social media. So frightening is this phenomenon that a recent study from the University of Amsterdam found that bots themselves are driven to these behaviours because of how discord and separation are elevated through the architecture of social media, built around reactive engagement!
It’s a frightening reality requiring active and conscious re-direction as facilitator, when we come up against such dynamics in groups, whether face to face or online.
One of the lesser known, but hugely important microskills that we should always have close at hand is Standing By. As the name implies, we need to be able to stand by both individuals and the group at times when strong opinions and emotions enter the space. Passion is a great thing! When people care about something, emotion is not far away. But without care, passion can turn to defensiveness if people find what they care about is being threatened in some way.
Glen Ochre was a master in the Standing By microskill. Whenever she saw someone on the margins, either with their idea or their capacity to contribute, she would support them by saying something simple like:
“I can hear that’s a critically important issue for you Jemma, and it certainly sounds important. Tell us a little more, because it’s a new idea and it would be good to turn it over together”.
In so doing, she was helping others in the group to hear what might be difficult for them to connect with, and they might even strongly disagree. But this was never about looking for agreement, rather learning and understanding that the creation of something as a group comes through thinking differently, not the same. We need to learn how to hear across difference so we can be open to new perspectives and ‘third ways’.
Standing by the outlier in a group is a profoundly important thing to do as a facilitator, particularly in this day and age of social media-driven behaviour, because speaking out is becoming less common with the rise of polarised and cancel-culture ways of being.
Sometimes when the group hits rocky ground and there is unease and fear rippling around at the prospect of dealing with a difficult topic, it’s also possible to stand by the whole group if needed.
“I can see there’s a bit going on for everyone as we wade into this area. It feels like we’ve hit a flat spot and some of this material is very tricky because we are talking about people’s jobs. But I feel sure the wisdom is here to work through this, so let’s take our time and see how we go”
Showing everyone that we have their backs as the facilitator while giving everyone a sense that they can work through difficulty is an important part of making sure the group remains engaged despite any trickyness that might arise. It also flags that ‘we are all in this together’ and reinforces the ‘groupness’ dynamic that is one of the vital keys in helping groups do great work together.