Facilitators have feelings too!
by Steve Ray
Impartiality. Facilitators hear that word and - usually - know that it’s one of the keys in your job when working with groups; an independent voice, someone without bias or any skin in the game who can help a group do great work together.
With an impartial facilitator, a group can collectively participate once they feel confident that the dynamics within the room, whether related to people’s roles or status, or knowledge etc, will fall under the watchful eye of the facilitator, there for the whole group.
So what happens when in playing that impartial role, we, the facilitator, limit our own expression, our own authenticity? We have views and we have feelings and no matter that we are in the role of facilitator, we are human and will automatically react to what’s happening in the room.
If emotions start to elevate, we may start to control our responses, thinking we are doing everyone a favour by ensuring we don’t get involved in the emotional content. In moments like these, the risk is that we may also shut down vital parts of our own awareness that help us to read what’s happening within the group. This can lead to us actually dialling down our facilitating capacity as we seek to avoid the emotional terrain. We can appear serious, detached and disconnected as a result, leaning too heavily on process to guide us, instead of intuition.
Taking this one step further, if we are at all uncomfortable with our own emotional responses the chances are high that we will also limit the emotional contribution within the group whether we are aware of it or not. “Let’s not get emotional” is still a phrase widely used - a veiled directive to people to filter their responses. But … emotion IS a response; a valid and important one.
So it’s not emotions but our fear of what might happen when emotions come up, that needs to be managed because it’s fear that causes us to devalue or diminish their role particularly within groups. The truth is we lack skills in this space. Without emotional resilience and some self awareness, engaging with emotions willingly is not easy. As a result we avoid them or make them wrong which can cause the people having them to feel ‘wrong’ in the process.
The reality of being human is that we have emotions. They show up most commonly when something significant is happening and in particular when something we care about is under threat. So this is valuable information coming through. Our job as facilitators in these situations is to dig a little deeper to find out what’s going on. We can start by validating without needing to agree with someone in an emotionally elevated state - a simple acknowledgement can be a good way in:
“I can see that this means a lot to you. Thankyou. I wonder if you could say a bit more about what’s going on for you?”.
This is a cue to the person that you’ve seen their emotional response AND that it's OK. By asking for more information they are given permission to be as they are which helps them to let go of the emotion and get beneath it to what’s important. It normalises emotion and helps the whole group see that it’s possible to work through challenges like this - all because you as facilitator have chosen NOT to avoid it.
If things become more heated, we can normalise the moment to help calm nerves:
“Looking around the room I can see there’s a bit of discomfort with where we are at the moment, but it’s OK… these days can bring up what’s important for us and I have no doubt we can hang in there together and nut this out”
We need to stand by everyone in the group even if the emotion is coming from only one or two people. Once the group starts to realise that they all have the capacity to work with what’s happening, confidence will rise and nerves settle. Your leadership as a facilitator is being read by the rest of the group and they will start to follow suit. Your inner state matters!
Our first port of call if we are to work well in this space is to first value emotional input. By that I mean we have to know that it’s important! That requires us to be able to work with our own emotional reactivity and sit with the discomfort of emotions without devaluing them. This takes time and commitment to do the necessary inner work, to understand the role they play in our interactions with others.
The great thing about being a human is that we have messy and interesting parts to us and that we are NOT perfect! There is no app (thankfully!) to remove the bumps that happen sometimes when we communicate, we just have to get better at it and be brave enough to lean in with some kindness when things heat up.
When it comes to emotion, the key is to be able to sit in the hot spots that emerge without being pulled into the vortex. Slowing down, taking an extra breath or two and remembering to stay as wise as possible will do wonders!
Working more naturally with emotions in a group takes practice, courage and a willingness to let go of the perfect you - all of which can help you take that leap of faith. Emotion can be the pointy end of facilitation, but it’s also where a lot of the gold lies; flags for what’s important to each of us within the group.